Dan's Barbecue Sauce

-3 cups ketchup
-3 minced onions
- 1/4 c dark brown sugar
- 1 tbsp hot pepper flakes
- 1/2 cup brewed coffee
- 2 tbsp paprika
- 1 cup vinegar

Heat under low fire until reduced by at least 1/3. Do whatever you want.

Asparagus and Fig parcels

-1 lb normal-cut strip bacon
-1 lb asparagus
-1 pack of California figs, or similar style as per your preference
-3 tbsp dark brown sugar
-1 cup balsamic vinegar
-1/2 of a cooking onion, diced
-toothpicks

-preheat oven to 450 degrees

To make the balsamic reduction sauce, add vinegar, onion, and brown sugar to a saucepan over low heat until reduced by about half, which shouldn't take long at all. Be sure to stir constantly, to make sure all of the caramelized bits get off the bottom of the pan.

For the parcels themselves, wrap a small handful of cleaned and trimmed asparagus (5-10 spears, depending on the size) with a single strip of bacon. You should be warned that keeping the bacon together while wrapping it in bacon is a slightly tricky process, but you will find that the bacon is much stickier when brought to room temperature. So at least there's that. For the figs, cut a strip of bacon in half and wrap two or so figs in it- again, pliability is a big help if you fondle the figs around in your hand when the bacon is on them. Stick toothpick through the little bitches to make sure that they'll stay tight. Rub a little bit of the balsamic reduction on the parcels, and place them in an oiled aluminum cookie tray for about 45-60 minutes. A lot of the baking process is guesswork, and it's up to you to make sure the parcels are rotated so that each side is fully cooked. Check every 15 minutes or so. Figs will probably cook before the asparagus. Drizzle with balsamic reduction before serving.

Serves 3-4.